| panic attack |
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Monday, 23/11/09 @ 1:14am |
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I HATE THIS FEELING
time to get to bed now
forgetforgetforget
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Tuesday, 06/10/09 @ 1:26pm |
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i'm having the big talk with him tomorrow
please pray for me
i'm so scared
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Saturday, 19/09/09 @ 7:07pm |
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( 病気 )
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Saturday, 19/09/09 @ 3:24am |
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i dream of the day i will no longer hate myself
and can be happy with who i am and what i have
he's right, what the hell are we living for anyway?
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| dreaming |
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Sunday, 13/09/09 @ 4:38am |
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i stepped into the washroom at work for the first time in 13mths and the scent was the same
it's as if the last 13mths never happened
japan never happened
it was a good dream
it was a beautiful dream
all the agony i felt in japan, all those sad LJ entries from last year, everything has melded into a rosy vision of my japanese dream
i fear returning to japan because it will never be the same again
and i fear what awaits me is not what i hope for
sometimes we have to just leave the good memories as they are and not try to hang on for more
maybe it was beautiful because there was a time limit
日本08/09限定な幸せ
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Monday, 31/08/09 @ 6:41am |
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我從來不會想說 如果時光可以倒流的這種話
因為 時光如果真的可以倒流
這一切 就不會那麼的珍貴
listening to sad chinese songs
learning to let go
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Friday, 21/08/09 @ 6:06am |
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i think the scariest sadness must be the one that blankets you ever so covertly when there isn't a clear source of distress in your path, when there has been no major upset to your life, when there really isnt much dif btw this min and the nxt, today and tomorrow.
that feeling of despair
that life stretches on but with no aim
and you're just stumbling along the path of failure to ultimate breakdown
i feel like i could just sit here and my heart will slowly stop beating
i wish maybe it would
because although i look forward, quite wholeheartedly, to prince edward island & nova scotia with dearest erica, yusuke in winter and nyc with tash and andrew, wakayama in summer and yakushima and kansai, tokyo again,
at the same time it is as if nothing matters and the future is too long and hopeless
what for are tomorrow's hopes when the day after is black and empty?
& what if tmr's hopes fall through too?
i think i really dont believe i deserve any kind of happiness. everyday i fear he will stop loving me or he wont wake up one morning. i dont believe lasting happiness can happen to me.
i wish i lived in his world and his world. they're happy (for now). i wish i lived in a world where the pressure isnt so high on me. where pple talk of internships and family connections and 11,000$ rent and 4000$ starting salaries and where they talk like im supposed to become like that someday.
but i dont want to
but can i even make enough to get by?
and am i too used to the cushy life?
at which point below the bar am i considered a failure?
i feel like ive been trying to run away for too long and now all my mistakes have found me
and its too late to restart so can i just shutdown?
i want to graduate next year. please God please.
please i pray
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| ldr |
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Saturday, 15/08/09 @ 2:51am |
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long-dist is a hell i wouldn't wish on anybody.
the question is always in my head
is it worth it?
im tired
if love is so painful i never want to fall in love again
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| 日本日記：Retrospective (JASSO Essay) |
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Saturday, 11/07/09 @ 1:51am |
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music |
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Taylor Swift - Love Story |
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I actually wrote this for my mandatory JASSO scholarship essay, but its more like a personal retrospective of my time in Japan so I figured it would be fitting to post it in my LJ.
( Memories )
Also, recently I've been quite obsessed with mixi. Add me. I can also send you a invite if you want to join mixi. Apparently you need a Japan cellphone address though...
P.S. I deleted some people off my LJ flist...mainly people I've never met IRL. I just don't have time to keep up with LJ anymore. Everyone, please feel free to delete me if you don't find yourself interested in my LJ anymore too!
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| 日本日記：Progress Log |
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Tuesday, 26/05/09 @ 7:44am |
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music |
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Shiny Toy Guns - Season of Love |
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I just looked back on the LJ entries I posted during my exchange here and I only had one 日本日記 (Japanese diary) entry, with a total of 20 entries, I think 75% emo lol. That's not exactly representative of my experience in Japan, because I normally don't feel like blogging when I'm having fun.
With less than 2 months to go (my flight to Japan is currently booked for 21st July) I figure it was time to do a little reflection on the times so far.
( What still remains on my list of things to do in Japan )
I would say I have had a lot of fun so far and a lot of new experiences in Japan I don't regret, but I am also not proud of myself for many things. Namely, for not having the strength to resist temptation and not keeping my priorities right. The word 'study' is no longer in my vocabulary. Kanji tests? 20 minutes before class begins (thank goodness for 10years of compulsory Chinese education). Too tired? Sleep through class. Bad mood? Skip class and bum at home. What happened to that new motivated student that was awakened in me last year during summer school?? And another thing is my distancing from God. I have been to church maybe like 4-5 times so far this year. I sometimes forget my daily prayers and most hours of the day there is no God in my life.
I think I've grown up some though. I have definitely changed. From how I look after my physical appearance, to how I handle interpersonal relationships, to my viewpoints on both major and minor matters. I still have a lot of growing up to do though. I'm still a lot less responsible than I ought to be.
Wow what a boring entry. Problem is there's way too many things to say that I can't say it all, so I just end up saying really vague overall things. Time to end off. Seriously, I'm not ready to leave. My Japanese is still way below the standard I hoped to be by now (I didn't really use that much Japanese till after I got a job + joined a circle) Not to mention I really really love this place (despite my unhappiness with certain aspects of it, primarily the restrictive work environment, especially for women).
+ the guys are hot.
& I love the fashion
&& the guys are really hot. esp in my circle. come to waseda. its where all the hot guys are at. keio too. but keio are snobs.
P.S. I got a new Kyou bracelet (its a charm for 人間関係 human relationships lol)at Ueno the other day and I'm so in love with it I'm wearing it even now! (:
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| words to live by |
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Thursday, 07/05/09 @ 2:55pm |
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For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
- the curious case of benjamin button
im a fighter. i had my day of depression, now its time to claw my way back up. its so painful and always i feel like giving up, but i will fight, i will not give in to myself. its so painful now, but tomorrow it will be just another memory. 七転び八起き
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| epic fail |
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Tuesday, 14/04/09 @ 1:40am |
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music |
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Taylor Swift - Love Story |
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( yada )
in other news i had a great easter after abstaining from meats & sweets (like last yr) for the past 40days. in the past 2 days i have consumed easter egg, chocolate pralines, cadbury tiramisu (absolutely delish), cadbury marshmallows, cadbury creme, shiroi koibito, bah kut teh, cheese cutlets burger from macs, matcha mcflurry from macs, my own home-made banana muffins & all other manners of things meaty & sweety.
also, i am on a diet (again). i will lose 1kg by this sunday! i'm gonna try to do 1kg / week. is that feasible? hmm. i am also ridiculously motivated to improve my japanese now with less than 3mths to go and still extremely crappy japanese. i will start by actually waking up in time for classes...ugh.
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amatsuki's journal