amatsuki

amatsuki @ 2009-12-03T00:22:00

2009-12-03T05:23:05Z

i know in a few years i wont remember anymore
but just for tonight, while she tells me about her date, and how unspecial it felt
i will remember the clothes you wore, earphones in your ear, your ugly sports shoes (or am i confusing this with the odaiba date) and the way you smiled and your head bobbed forward when you saw me, and how i thought damn i was gonna surprise you
how all very normal and unspecial it felt, and how kinda boring the date was
but now its so special

they are right,
the first one is always special

thats why it hurts when i know i am your number 12
and i wonder if you remember me with the nostalgia and clarity i do you
my number 1

i hate these moments, the sudden flashbacks to japan and a time where i was too happy to be true
back to studying now

himym

2009-11-27T07:04:53Z

sometimes how i met your mother is one of the most heartwrenching shows to watch
i feel for the characters like how i dont think i could have a few mths ago
it speaks so close to the heart, in such real and everyday layman ways
i would not have done what ted did with stella, because to me there would have been no closure
but i understand everyone has different ways of moving on

but sometimes you wonder abt the point of being so mature; why save the other person all that pain, when you are going through so much shit yourself? you want him to feel like you do, hurt like you do
but i guess what is most impt is doing what you can live with. if you want to have your childish tantrum don't regret it. be happy with your choice and
LET GO
is the key as ted says

i am glad that this happened to me
because some things you have to learn and some things you cant avoid forever
and it has made me grow up in a way and changed my perspectives on relationships and life in a way i could not have imagined when i first plunged into my hasty passage of life rite
if i could choose again, i still don't know if i would do it all over again
because the pain was v real and there were really times when i thought i wouldnt make it out, where i saw myself walking into a car or unable to stop myself from walking off the roof
and it def didnt do shit for my grades
but i dont regret that it did happen
because i needed to know
so i wont do it again

so i can be a better person

and i know life isnt as easy for me as some pple because i am naturally nihilistic and constantly fight to give meaning to anything i do
and need to constantly remind myself that im content
but i know that i am blessed with what i have
although i do not have a positive outlook on life
i have been given a relatively positive life
and there are a lot of other pple who have suffered in ways i have been lucky not to
and it is true that a good number of them do not have the same pessimism as i do
but if they can make it through with a smile on my face
so can i

i am a fighter
and i will not go down
i will make myself a better person
for God, for myself, for the people whose lives i can make a difference in

also, i love barney stinson <3

panic attack

2009-11-23T06:14:29Z

I HATE THIS FEELING
time to get to bed now
forgetforgetforget

amatsuki @ 2009-10-06T13:26:00

2009-10-06T17:27:49Z

i'm having the big talk with him tomorrow
please pray for me
i'm so scared

amatsuki @ 2009-09-22T19:57:00

2009-09-23T00:04:25Z

i miss you so damn fucking much
i have to stop having conversations in my head

it's so hard
i don't see a future without you in it
without touching you again, seeing you again, hearing your laugh again
if i had known i would have hugged you a little longer at the airport, kissed you goodbye
if i had known that would have been a goodbye kiss

they say it's because he's my first
which is true
and everything is true
it must be true when they say i'll get through this and be stronger
because i'm not the first one
and there are pple with worse problems than me

but right now, right now i don't know if i have the strength to go through this
because i'm tired of fighting
i may not be strong enough
i wish so hard my heart will stop beating when i sleep
not even when i sleep. just
now

if i had known i would have stayed in japan longer
and treasured every last minute
i have to stop fucking myself over in my head
i have to but it's so hard

amatsuki @ 2009-09-19T19:07:00

2009-09-19T23:30:59Z

despite the great conscious attempt at repression
at distancing myself and thinking practically
despite praying all the time for guidance and strength
it simmers beneath my thoughts and comes to me in flashes

that above all else, i love him
like that stupid sweet shit he wrote in the stupid letter he probably doesn't even mean half of anymore,
he has become the centre of my world

i knew i couldn't fall in love because i knew for me it would be all or nothing
but i let myself do it, stupid me
and now there is no turning back

it is scary to love someone like this
and dangerous
and unhealthy
and i know i have to modulate my feelings before the fall-out becomes unthinkable

everyday i go through phases,
where i think i'm okay,
where i imagine the life before him and then it seems ok to see a life without him
but then the day wears on and an unreasonable melancholy sets in,
and i can't see the point
if he is not the point

and i know that being unhappy in a r/s is unhealthy for myself and the relationship
and in the past i would have told myself to cut loose
but i can't do it because i love him so much
i wish he would break up with me because i don't have the strength to do it myself
i don't understand why...i don't think he loves me like he used to
is it just inertia?
but if you don't feel it like you used to, why don't you bloody well just break up?

if you hardly really want to talk to me nowadays, because you're too tired or you'd rather go to karaoke with your ex because all those stuff are more relaxing (& i do know you're stressed with work, but i'm stressed with stuff too but i still think of you and want to talk to you all the time, then what the fuck is our relationship for?

& if i am one of those fucking needy pple who always needs to talk to their bf,
then maybe we can't agree and we should cut loose?

but honestly i'm just talking to myself here
because for the past 2 weeks (only 2 weeks?? wtf??) i've just been absorbing the pain,
trying so hard to be the perfect gf,
supportive but not clingy

BUT IT'S SO FUCKING TIRING
i dont even know if you appreciate it
but i can't stop it, because that's what i like to do,
stupid random nice things to show i love you
but i don't see that you love me as much as i do
and that hurts all the time

you know i could psychoanalyse my own r/s till the cows come home
but in the end you never really get anywhere
and i could make all the predictions i want
but in the end i will never really know until something happens
or i start the ball rolling

and assuming somehow i get through the agony of this,
i look to the future and i don't see one either...
& i don't think he is seeing one with me either
(to be fair i don't think he's seeing any future of any kind)

you know i've said before that i think a lot of times the problem with humans is that we like to make our own trouble
why do we torture ourselves so?

amatsuki @ 2009-09-19T03:24:00

2009-09-19T07:25:49Z

i dream of the day i will no longer hate myself
and can be happy with who i am and what i have
he's right, what the hell are we living for anyway?

dreaming

2009-09-13T08:48:34Z

i stepped into the washroom at work for the first time in 13mths and the scent was the same
it's as if the last 13mths never happened
japan never happened
it was a good dream
it was a beautiful dream
all the agony i felt in japan, all those sad LJ entries from last year, everything has melded into a rosy vision of my japanese dream
i fear returning to japan because it will never be the same again
and i fear what awaits me is not what i hope for
sometimes we have to just leave the good memories as they are and not try to hang on for more

maybe it was beautiful because there was a time limit

日本08/09限定な幸せ

amatsuki @ 2009-08-31T06:41:00

2009-08-31T10:44:05Z

我從來不會想說如果時光可以倒流的這種話
因為時光如果真的可以倒流
這一切就不會那麼的珍貴

listening to sad chinese songs
learning to let go

amatsuki @ 2009-08-21T06:06:00

2009-08-20T22:31:33Z

i think the scariest sadness must be the one that blankets you ever so covertly when there isn't a clear source of distress in your path, when there has been no major upset to your life, when there really isnt much dif btw this min and the nxt, today and tomorrow.

that feeling of despair
that life stretches on but with no aim
and you're just stumbling along the path of failure to ultimate breakdown

i feel like i could just sit here and my heart will slowly stop beating
i wish maybe it would
because although i look forward, quite wholeheartedly, to prince edward island & nova scotia with dearest erica, yusuke in winter and nyc with tash and andrew, wakayama in summer and yakushima and kansai, tokyo again,
at the same time it is as if nothing matters and the future is too long and hopeless
what for are tomorrow's hopes when the day after is black and empty?
& what if tmr's hopes fall through too?

i think i really dont believe i deserve any kind of happiness. everyday i fear he will stop loving me or he wont wake up one morning. i dont believe lasting happiness can happen to me.

i wish i lived in his world and his world. they're happy (for now). i wish i lived in a world where the pressure isnt so high on me. where pple talk of internships and family connections and 11,000$ rent and 4000$ starting salaries and where they talk like im supposed to become like that someday.
but i dont want to
but can i even make enough to get by?
and am i too used to the cushy life?
at which point below the bar am i considered a failure?

i feel like ive been trying to run away for too long and now all my mistakes have found me
and its too late to restart so can i just shutdown?

i want to graduate next year. please God please.
please i pray

ldr

2009-08-14T18:54:47Z

long-dist is a hell i wouldn't wish on anybody.
the question is always in my head
is it worth it?
im tired

if love is so painful i never want to fall in love again

日本日記：Retrospective (JASSO Essay)

2009-07-10T17:00:12Z

I actually wrote this for my mandatory JASSO scholarship essay, but its more like a personal retrospective of my time in Japan so I figured it would be fitting to post it in my LJ.

I have an atrocious memory, and it takes me at least three times of asking the same question to remember Zen was born on exactly the same day as me, or that Erika lives in-between Kichijouji and Mitaka. However, as I sit here and sift through the chaos of my mind to find experiences to pen of my exchange year in Waseda, the last 10 months replay in technicolour. I remember, as if I had never forgot.

The first month, I remember the exciting and heady mix of feeling Lost in Translation, overwhelmed by the plethora of vending machines and combinis (convenience stores), the scary species known as the Shibuya Girls who occupy Shibuya 109, the friends from Japan and all over the world formed and forgotten in a flash, my first gyuudonya (fast food store specialising in beef bowls) experience – fast, filling & cheap, nomihoudai nomikais (all you can drink drinking parties) and marvelling at the mayhem of drunk Japanese.

At school, I remember the initial shock of beautiful people everywhere who look like they’re about to head off to a party and not school, cramped hallways and stairwells, bad classes with teachers who were unable to hold students’ attentions, the beautiful tree-lined walkway leading to the famous Okuma Auditorium, and buying my Waseda bear (because ‘okuma’, besides being the founder’s name, also means ‘big bear’) cellphone strap that has been hanging faithfully on my cellphone for the past 10 months.

At my baito (part-time job) at a Singaporean restaurant at Azabu Juban, I remember being bowled over by the sincerity and friendliness of my mainly older coworkers, eating more Singaporean food (for free!) in 2 months than I have in 2 years of studying overseas, walking the cobble-stoned paths of the upmarket Azabu Juban Doori (Azabu Juban Street) dreaming for the onset of summer when I can dine al fresco at one of the cafes along the street, and realising I am much too clumsy to ever truly master waitressing.

In my competitive ballroom dancing circle, of which joining was probably my best decision in Japan, I remember the first nomikai (drinking party) where they served chocolate banana pizza, the strict age hierarchy between seniors and juniors, awe at the dedication and professionalism of the seniors, the self-introduction questionnaire which seemed tailored for a matchmaking club (what is your ‘type’? are you ‘do-S’ or ‘do-M’? sadomasochistic or masochistic), and speaking Japanese so much more than before that my brain broke down at times.

I remember Sapporo, Hokkaido, a comfortable 0 degree weather (quite unlike the painful winters in Toronto) but with an abundance of snow, the snow festival with monolithic ice statues, the incredibly orderly grid structure of Sapporo’s roads, snowball fights along the streets and the little island Otaru with shops full of snow globes. I remember Kansai, 5 cities in 7 days, Nara with the scary shika (deer) that chased you and bit you for shika senbei, Himeji and the beautiful 6-storeyed UNESCO World Heritage castle that has never been destroyed by flame, humans or other forces, Osaka and the women with flashy clothes and dark make-up, Kobe the old port with all its delicious cake and pastry shops and Kyoto my favourite, with the beautiful temples and moss gardens and Kanagawa river.

Walking down winding little alleys filled with izakayas (Japanese-style bars) and small food stores steaming with the aroma of backstreet food. Trying to change directions in the scramble crossing at Shibuya without getting bulldozed. Screaming as I stepped into my first onsen, which feels more like torture than the pleasure everyone speaks of. Monthly obsessions with different foods, from Kyuushuu ramen to baumkuchen (butter pound cake shaped like tree rings to Japanese curry to okonomiyaki (Japanese savoury pancakes from Kansai). Some of the nicest people I have ever met, like Youko-san who hosted us several times with good food and conversation and Miki who gave me her old yukata when we’ve met less than 5 times before.

These are but a fraction of the many memories I have in Japan. Some beautiful, some painful, some embarrassing, some fun; but all precious and irreplaceable.

I remember all these memories, and I remember that I never want to forget.

Also, recently I've been quite obsessed with mixi. Add me. I can also send you a invite if you want to join mixi. Apparently you need a Japan cellphone address though...

P.S. I deleted some people off my LJ flist...mainly people I've never met IRL. I just don't have time to keep up with LJ anymore. Everyone, please feel free to delete me if you don't find yourself interested in my LJ anymore too!

日本日記：Progress Log

2009-05-25T22:44:44Z

I just looked back on the LJ entries I posted during my exchange here and I only had one 日本日記 (Japanese diary) entry, with a total of 20 entries, I think 75% emo lol. That's not exactly representative of my experience in Japan, because I normally don't feel like blogging when I'm having fun.

With less than 2 months to go (my flight to Japan is currently booked for 21st July) I figure it was time to do a little reflection on the times so far.

Things to Do
- Butler cafe
- Capsule hotel
- Mangakissa (24hr manga, internet cafe)
- Hanabi Taikai (fireworks festival)
- the Lost in Translation bar
- Tsukiji fish market (and actually see the blasted 5.30am tuna auction)
- X Kekkai locations (only 2 to go!: Nakano Sun Plaza, Ebisu Garden Palace)
- NEWS concert <- so not gonna happen lol; I can't even be bothered to keep up with JE, let alone know when their concerts are + fight with crazy fangirls over expensive tickets
- Kyushu <- prob not gonna happen due to costs + time constraints
- Shikoku <- ditto Kyushu reasoning
- Tokyo Tower
- Kamakura?
- Nikko?

I would say I have had a lot of fun so far and a lot of new experiences in Japan I don't regret, but I am also not proud of myself for many things. Namely, for not having the strength to resist temptation and not keeping my priorities right. The word 'study' is no longer in my vocabulary. Kanji tests? 20 minutes before class begins (thank goodness for 10years of compulsory Chinese education). Too tired? Sleep through class. Bad mood? Skip class and bum at home. What happened to that new motivated student that was awakened in me last year during summer school?? And another thing is my distancing from God. I have been to church maybe like 4-5 times so far this year. I sometimes forget my daily prayers and most hours of the day there is no God in my life.

I think I've grown up some though. I have definitely changed. From how I look after my physical appearance, to how I handle interpersonal relationships, to my viewpoints on both major and minor matters. I still have a lot of growing up to do though. I'm still a lot less responsible than I ought to be.

Wow what a boring entry. Problem is there's way too many things to say that I can't say it all, so I just end up saying really vague overall things. Time to end off. Seriously, I'm not ready to leave. My Japanese is still way below the standard I hoped to be by now (I didn't really use that much Japanese till after I got a job + joined a circle) Not to mention I really really love this place (despite my unhappiness with certain aspects of it, primarily the restrictive work environment, especially for women).

+ the guys are hot.
& I love the fashion
&& the guys are really hot. esp in my circle. come to waseda. its where all the hot guys are at. keio too. but keio are snobs.

P.S. I got a new Kyou bracelet (its a charm for 人間関係 human relationships lol)at Ueno the other day and I'm so in love with it I'm wearing it even now! (:

words to live by

2009-05-07T06:01:00Z

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
- the curious case of benjamin button

im a fighter. i had my day of depression, now its time to claw my way back up. its so painful and always i feel like giving up, but i will fight, i will not give in to myself. its so painful now, but tomorrow it will be just another memory. 七転び八起き

epic fail

2009-04-13T16:52:34Z

annoyed at not being pretty enough ever ever and being called an asian barbie when i dress up everyday to overcome my physical deficiency but i don't care because japan is the only time im allowed to dress up everyday and people dont actually think im crazy. if they dont know me they probably think im japanese and those who know me well they probably think im an asian barbie. whatevs.

i also hate not being cute and perky and flirty enough to make up for my lack of beguiling features. or body.

and i also hate not being intellectual or personable enough or someone i even respect. which is why no one respects me and just laughs at me well with me i guess but you know what i mean.

wow this wasn't even a true sad or pissed off entry (it was just a random thought that occured to me) but i managed to unearth so many problems about me in 20seconds!

yesterday i was suddenly reminded i came from gep sth i have forgotten already because im so normal now i am like subpar. i am just like everyone else he asked me 'what happened to you?' and i realised omg its true im frickin mediocre. people around me get govt scholarships go to ivy leagues actually Go Somewhere in their lives and im just bumming around in jpn and not even learning the damn language properly.

i cant believe it im not even 21 and im already a failure...

and i missed church on easter sunday, as i have for the past 4mths or sth. epic fail, epic fail.

in other news i had a great easter after abstaining from meats & sweets (like last yr) for the past 40days. in the past 2 days i have consumed easter egg, chocolate pralines, cadbury tiramisu (absolutely delish), cadbury marshmallows, cadbury creme, shiroi koibito, bah kut teh, cheese cutlets burger from macs, matcha mcflurry from macs, my own home-made banana muffins & all other manners of things meaty & sweety.

also, i am on a diet (again). i will lose 1kg by this sunday! i'm gonna try to do 1kg / week. is that feasible? hmm. i am also ridiculously motivated to improve my japanese now with less than 3mths to go and still extremely crappy japanese. i will start by actually waking up in time for classes...ugh.

gossip girl

2009-03-31T16:53:18Z

for the record, because this LJ has chronicled all fangirl phases i've been through,
chuck bass is so hot. mmm.
chuck/blair is love
but chuck is such an asshole and blair is such a bitch
and this whole show is just full of crazy bitchy madness
ive never seen a show with that many hot people together though (the last show i said that about was stand up i think and that totally fails in the face of these faces hahaha)
leighton meester is seriously the most beautiful being i have ever seen

i have been marathoning gossipgirl while waiting for my face to recover from the strange disgusting rash that has been disfiguring my face for the past few days and hindering me from venturing into the outside world.

Singapore!

2009-02-15T04:00:40Z

I find it interesting how much my friends here are so much more interested to learn about Singapore than my friends in Toronto, even if only to make fun of it and fail to use Singlish. I apologise for being a bad representation of Singapore culture.

1. I told them we use words like lah, lor, meh but couldn't explain well the difference in nuances. Anyway they picked up on 'meh' ('like the sheep? so you make animal noises while talking? what's up moooo?') and now I will randomly have friends say a sentence to me and end it off in some animal sound. -_-

2. Also, they keep happily chirping things like 'what's up lah!' with the wrong tone and completely missing the purpose of the 'lah' in the sentence

3. While in Sapporo (Hokkaido) my friend read a message written in the Youth Hostel's message book written by S'poreans from S'pore so now he tells everyone we call ourselves spore-eans.

4. Once for a joke I used the classic 'my England is very powderful' joke, they all cracked up and now they can't stop telling me how powederful my England is ;_;

5. One of these 3 things always comes up when we talk about Sg for the first time: Is gum really illegal? (I heard) Singapore is so clean! Yeah I know about the merlion <- this one usually from Japanese people

Also, so far only one person has disliked / not really liked chicken rice!

P.S. I am working in a Singaporean restaurant (http://route9g.com) which has crazy shifts where I work from 10am-midnight sometimes with a scant 1.5hr break inbetween but free Singaporean food (most of which I didn't really eat in Sg, er, oops) and really nice bosses/co-workers.

There is so much more to talk about but I'm too lazy to begin. At least this is finally the first happy entry in a while. I really ever only feel like blogging when I'm upset, lol.

MAKANJIKAN
egg tarts, curry, shortcake...

Looking Forward: 2009

2008-12-31T06:55:50Z

My 2009 resolution:
SELF-CONTROL
- time
- money
- diet
- friends
- responsibility
- God

Especially towards the end of 2008, I have been showing a galling lack of self-control. I succumb to temptation much too easily, spend money extravagantly and waste time unnecessarily, unable to stop myself even though my head is advising me against it even as I do these things. I hope in 2009 I will work harder to become a person I am not ashamed of, even if I am still a long way to ever being proud of myself.

The first step in my 2009 resolution? Haha

Diet Campaign
- no more food 3hrs before bed (except maybe 1 warm drink)
- 1 bowl of cereal per day OR 1 slice/type of bread per day (unless skipped lunch, then 2)
- max 1 sweet thing per day
- if hungry, sustain on crackers, oranges, sweets (max 2/day) or breakfast drinks
Anytime I break any of these 2 rules, disconnect the internet for 2 days

You are grocery shopping for 6 items.
1. Produce: snow peas/long beans (frigging exp in japan)
2. Bakery: coffee bun!! i miss this (and tons of other good chinese bakery breads) too much
3. Meat: chicken, even though i'm bad at cooking it well
4. Frozen: the microwaveable pies my fridge is famous for stocking :]
5. Dry goods: i feel a lot like chips recently
6. Dairy: milk! i actually DO need to buy this the next time i go grocery shopping

You are on weekend getaway with only 3 articles of clothing allowed.
1. underwear (unlike yingx this is actually a priority hahaha)
2. jeans
3. shirt

You are being eavesdropped on through the day for 5 key phrases or words you use.
1. dude
2. fuck
3. blah
4. wtf
5. sou sou sou

What 3 things must you do every day?
1. go on fb (ah addiction)
2. eat either cereal or some kind of bread
3. recently, keep my account book

You have a whole afternoon all to yourself. What 5 activities might you be doing?
1. stuck on the net (replying mail, fb, googling jap customs, anything! how can i live without the internet)
2. wandering around somewhere and being touristy
3. eating some good food
4. working on my japanese
5. chilling with a good friend

You’re on a quick visit to the Zoo and can only catch 3 exhibits.
1. i'm not really into animals...

You scored tickets to 4 live TV show recordings of your choice.
1. kanjani8's show! whatever it is.
2. the big bang theory
3. argh, clearly i don't watch enough tv

You can choose 3 scoops of ice-cream.
1. mint chip
2. chocolate
3. black sesame!!

You need to name 5 things in your lost wallet to reclaim it.
1. my WALLET itself. i <3 my wallet!
2. the mickeymouse strawberry charm from seojon
3. any form of identification, because replacing it is such a pain
4. the money
5. okay i think i covered about EVERYTHING in my wallet...

You are at a job fair choosing 4 dream jobs.
1. chef/host for foodnetwork!! lol
2. travel writer
3. my own bakery :] (i don't need a job fair for this...)
4. translator! (that actually earns money)

You’ve got a chance to tell your old high school self 4 bits of advice.
1. work harder
2. be nicer
3. do more
4. be more confident
these are actually all things i should still be telling myself now :\

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all! I really pray 2009 will be a great year for you and everyone, even though there's no Olympics, no World Cup, NOTHING...
World peace to all!
Lol. ♥

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T17:51:27Z

MERRY BLESSED CHRISTMAS!!
I know I've neglected LJ terribly since I got to Japan (and even before that too...) and truth be told I haven't read most of your LJs in at least 3 months, but I do hope to catch up with your news soon and I hope you have an absolutely smashing Christmas and New Year! ♥

After like 5 years of using LJ, I finally decided to actually do one of those EOY reflection meme things...(I actually wrote this a few days ago btw)

1. Was this a good year for you?
Yes. I think I improved as a person, matured somewhat, and expanded my social circle. But I still fall way short of what I need to achieve to like myself.

2. What did you do this year that you'd never done before?
Come to Japan! and fulfil my 5-year-long dream. (:
Fall in love with international food!
Cook and bake tons!
Work consistently hard for a class (summer school)

3. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
- Accountability & Responsibility
- No fear (God)

Sadly, no. I think I kinda wavered but kept to the first resolution generally for most of the year (especially in the beginning when I was up to my neck in the TorontoSingaporeFilmFestival & UofT InternationalStudentsUnion stuff), but especially since I've got to Japan I've become absolutely unbelievable. The most recent example being I skipped Friday classes again because I overslept and then felt too depressed to go to any other classes after that.

As for the second, which is with regards to expanding my social circle and being friendly to everyone instead of trying to ignore as many people as possible, that died really early on in the year, though it revived very successfully in the first month of Japan...and has now died again. I'm suffering a crisis with regards to this right now. I don't know if I should keep on trying (do I really want all these hi-bye friends??) or just recede into my comfy little shell again.

But I'll still make resolutions for next year of course. If you don't try, how can you get better? I think next year will be SELF-CONTROL, which is basically another way of phrasing 'accountability and responsibility'.

4. What was your favorite moment of the year?
The first week/s in Japan.
Tokyo Disneyland
Fujikyuu Highlands
The first day of Shirakawa
Mt Takao
Food expeditions with Cat
Euro Cup
TorontoSingaporeFilmFest
UTISUTalentShow
Easter
NewYork(:
Times with Erica,Pam,Velds

5. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
I don't remember any in particular but I'm sure there were many

6. What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?
Courage.
Conversational ability
Japanese skills
Accountability and resonsiblity, damnit!
A boyfriend, ha

7. What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
There are many. But I think Easter is one that comes quick to my mind. Due to an unexpected blessing, I spent church and dinner with the perfect guy to me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Doing really well in statistics
Improving my baking & cooking skillz
Expanding my social circle in Japan

9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing in my resolutions
Being too easily swayed and unable to keep true to myself and God

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. For some reason ever since I moved to Toronto I never seem to get truly sick (nothing that I can't sleep off), yay. I did lose my voice horrifically for 3 days after overnight karaoke in Japan though.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Always found this question strange.
Pam? Erica? Velda? Seojon?

12. Did you break up with anyone this year?
No.

13. Did you make any new friends this year?
Manymanymany.
Maybe too many.

14. Did you travel outside of the U.S. this year?
Wtf is this a US-centric meme!?

15. How many different states did you travel to this year?
I refuse to answer this question.

16. Did you lose anybody close to you this year?
Kinda. I wasn't that close to my paternal grandma though...

17. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, first people in Singapore, and now people in Singapore AND Toronto. :(

18. What was your favorite movie you saw this year?
Quite possibly The Dark Knight.

19. What was your favorite song?
Hellogoodbye - Here (in Your Arms)
Enrique Iglesias - Can You Hear Me

20. What was your favorite album?
Coldplay - Viva La Vida
Maroon 5 - It Won't be Soon Before Long
Alanis Morissette - (whatever her new album was)

21. Favorite TV show?
THE BIG BANG THEORY!!
Friends (:

22. What was the best book you read?
The only books I actually remember (and probably did) reading this year are Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coelho), Mori Ogai's The Wild Geese, Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood and The Woman in the Dunes (jap book), the last 3 all being for class. They were all interesting and Norwegian Wood made me cry for a half hour after finishing it and feel like comitting suicide myself, but none of them would make it ANYWAY close to my favourites list.

23. How many concerts did you see this year?
None. Well, I saw Soulja in a special performance for some school event I went for. Didn't really know who he was, so what was cooler was all the hot guys from the fashion show in the school event popping up next and behind us (standing in the first row) to see Soulja up close.

24. What was the funniest moment of this year?
I'm sure there were many...

25. What did you want and get?
To go on exchange to Japan

26. What's one thing you wish had happened this year?
That I had found a boyfriend

27. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yes. Being recklessly irresponsible for one, dropping takoyaki on myself in front of a guy I liked for another (lol), being unable to respond to my ex-crush because my mouth was hopelessly stuffed with takoyaki... <-- I don't have any luck with Gindako takoyaki

28. How much money did you spend this year?
I was really good all the way till the end of summer. I'm sure my monthly expenditure was <$100 in winter and <$300 in summer (when I had to cook my own food!), but now it's like averaging $500. Horrible!!

29. Where did most of your money go?
Food and having fun. Having fun is frigging expensive in Japan somehow.

30. What was the best thing you bought?
The plane ticket to Japan
The 'ticket' to Shirakawa
My Disney cellphone!!!

31. What was your most embarrassing moment of the year?
Well the dropping takoyaki on myself is the first that comes to mind... xD

32. If you could go back in time to any moment of this year, what would it be?
First weeks of Japan

33. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Japan, Shirakawa, Disneyland

35. Compared to this time last year, are you...
-happier or sadder? same. or i'd say i'm happier just because i'm in japan and that alone makes me happy (:
-thinner or fatter? same. i suck at dieting
-richer or poorer? poorer for sure. :\

36. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Make good friends with everyone instead of being restrained by my fear of people
Been nicer and kinder and cared more about other people instead of always being so obsessed with myself
Been closer with God
Spoke more Japanese
Done more in Japan

37. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Slacking around and wasting time

38. How will you be spending Christmas?
Idk. Doing something with my mum I think.

39. Did you fall in love this year?
Yeah I guess I did. Or I fell in love with an ideal.

40. How many one-night stands?
None.

41. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing special. I was in Sabah so the only people with me to celebrate my birthday were my grandparents and mum. We went to a hotpot restaurant for dinner...
20

42. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting a boyfriend. <-- do you sense a recurring theme here??? I feel ashamed that I feel this way, but I really want to be in a stable relationship and not feel lonely because friends are public goods not private goods and so they will never be always there for you.

43. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?
Winter was average, summer was slightly more fashionable, and since coming to Japan I'm a total FOB now. Heels everyday, dresses, the like.

44. What kept you sane?
God
Friends

45. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
There's really only been one guy who I've loved consistently through the years...
NISHIKIDO RYOHOHOHO! Gotta watch the last episode of Ryuusei no Kizuna soon.
Gotta admit, I was quite enamoured of Miura Haruma for a while too. :]

46. Who was the best new person you met?
Risou.
The Ho siblings, Emile and June
Cat&Lena
SeojonEvieTashAlixMaikaMinakoHirokiAndrewG...

47. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year.
If you smile at people, they will smile back at you.
However, that doesn't mean their heart is smiling too.

48. What are your plans for the next year?
Travel outside Tokyo (Kyoto, Hokkaido, etc)
Go to Seoullll
Go back to UofT and set up an exchange club hopefully :D

49. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Er I can't think of any. But I really like the lyrics for this song and it does have meaning:

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
(more here)

I love the lyrics of this song so much. It really makes me reflect on myself.
I'm looking forward to church tomorrow. I've drifted so far from God, and I can't wait to embrace Him and feel the warmth of His presence again. I've become very selfish and self-absorbed recently...is this one of the reasons why I've been kinda down?

Hopefully I'll have time to write another entry before new year...My life hasn't been as boring as my lack of LJ entries makes it out to be lol.

nana spoilers

2008-10-09T06:19:03Z

blahaha so ren's really dead. i feel somehow lucky to own a copy of the phonebook mag with the story's main climax. and a pretty nana folder! oh gosh phonebook mags are soo cheap in japan. i'm just going to buy them and collect all the pretty furoku.

i think i ought to feel sadder that ren's dead, but really nth cut me up more than when nobu and hachi failed. i think there's no more hope for them anymore :(

日本日記　＃01

2008-09-26T16:41:31Z

I was going to say this was long overdue, then I realised I've only been here for 11 days though it feels like 11 weeks. Wow! And that really sums up everything. Japan is so different from any country I've been in and even within its different enclaves it has so many different idiosyncracies. I'm glad to be here and although I had the usual settling down problems of loneliness (and although I'm generally over that, I miss you guys a lot and know I would have so much more fun if you were here with me :) I've found a great group of friends, have had tons of fun doing everything and anything, and am living, and am enjoying living, in the country of my dreams. (:

THE GOOD

- Speaking Japanese makes me really happy. Talking to the Japanese people is always the happiest point of my experience here because I really feel like I'm improving in something.
- The location of Waseda and my dorm (Hoshien); it's very peaceful with small shops lining undulating winding streets, but at the same time only a 20min walk away from one of the main train stations and a decently sized shopping mall

- WASEDA! I've become a Waseda fangirl; I count among my horde a Waseda folder, postcards, and a Waseda bear cellphone charm. I would buy the hoodie if the fit was not as shitty as my MAH5 jacket, hah.

- The WIC (and Niji no Kai) people, the international club(s) in Waseda who welcomed us at the airport, helped in our orientation and organised tons of fun stuff for us; they are seriously some of the nicest people I've met and are ever so willing to talk to us despite the language barriers

- my DISNEY CELLPHONE! I can't get over how purtty it is, despite how incredibly childish and girly it appears to most people once you flip the cover and get assaulted with Disney animation everywhere. The outside is sleek and classy imo, and I can watch tv on it too! Japanese phones pwnz.

- all the lovely new friends I've met here; seriously they are the some of the greatest bunch of people I've met and are so fun to hang out with. And that includes you, Evie! (:

- I've actually managed to re-reinvent myself from Toronto (which was already a reinvention from Singapore). I've become super friendly here (for Toronto-neans, think Siming, for Singaporeans, think YingXiang) and keep making friends right and left and I almost always say hi when I see people I recognise instead of pretending I don't see them. And people actually kinda notice when I'm not around, wow. I'm never going to be the life of the party like Debs, but people who are not close friends actually invite me places and think of me.

- The guys here do NOT all look like Densha Otokos. HA! And I have a new crush, as usual. :3

- Went exploring around the dorm on my own today, which is another of my high points so far. Being alone really allows me to absorb my surroundings so much better.

- I love Japanese food. From curry rice to Yoshinoya's delicious beef bowls...yummm (:

THE BAD

- Smoking is allowed almost everywhere, even indoors

- Shibuya109 girls; Shibuya 109 is a shopping mall in Shibuya with the strangest fashion ever. Apart from the fact that I would only consider buying maybe 1 item in 6 floors of retail shops, the Shibuya109 girls (ganguro girls) look horrifyingly unnatural with super-bronzed faces, heavily lined eyes and bleached blond hair plus Shibuya109-style (weird) fashion. I found them disgusting, but several guys I know speak highly of them.

- I haven't found any kindred spirits, and that made me lonely on and off for a while. But I've got really comfortable with my friends here now and anyway, it took me a few months before I really got close to people like Erica and Velda.

- I thought that this one girl didn't quite like me, and that really upset me for a few days to the extent of tears, but I think she's fine with me now. >.<

- Meeting people who I find absolutely disgusting. So you come on exchange to pick up oriental girls in karaoke?

- I think this one guy might like me...I don't like it. Remember how I said before if I'm neutral to a guy and he likes me, I start hating him? I (used to?) really like this guy as a friend and think he has an awesome personality, but I'm starting to feel the waves of aversion coming on...

- Lost my voice from karaoke for the first time...these crazy exchange students don't sing, they shout! (but in very good tune still) Also, apparently Japanese karaokes do NOT have PVs after all. Blah...when can I see Ryohoho in wide-screen?

- Because I've been hanging out so much in groups, I haven't really been able to focus on where I'm going and what I'm seeing, and I don't even really know how to find my own way around. I can't multitask very well, and when I'm with a group it's already hard enough for me to focus on everyone there.

- People not allowed to stay over, blah. Sorry guys, can't host you in my room. :(

Actually this post is no longer very accurate because things took a positive turn for me (so this an optimistic entry) a few days ago when I started really settling down into my friends and life here. Before that, although I was always hanging out with people and never lonely I still felt alone, if you know what I mean. It still didn't make me any less happy to be in Japan though.

PICTURES!
日本日記　＃1
日本日記　＃2

My final words thus far:
I'm really glad to be here; to see this place I've dreamed and loved from afar for so long. To come home to a place already so familiar from all my years of shallowly following J-popular culture. This is the best experience of my life so far, and at this moment, I am actually thinking to myself: when I get back to Toronto, I only have a year left before I can come back here again, so my cool Disney cellphone's functions won't be put to waste in Toronto.

I'm not stupid though, I know that any moment this dream could be shattered by a reality I have yet to see, or refuse to see.

Enlightenment

2008-09-17T16:45:30Z

What I've realised after coming home:

In spite of all the people I love here, for personal reasons, I can never return here while a particular problem persists.

This place is no longer (or has never been?) home. I think of Singapore as how I think of Toronto. Fondly, as a place with many memories and many joys, but not a place where I am rooted to.

I guess I truly am a free spirit. Or maybe the truth is I'm a lost spirit.

Speaking Singlish gives me a sense of liberation that makes me want to indulge in it while I am around people who understand it, though it is not something I miss or struggle against speaking while in Toronto.

Being overseas allows me to fool myself into thinking that I have matured; that I am a person with some merit, and some hope, and some future. So in some way while going overseas for university has been very stabilising in some ways and is a lot better for my emotional condition, it is also feeding a delusion, and very expensively too.

I really am an emotional void.

When I come back to this place of familiarity, I snap right back into the same habits and faults that I had before I left. Now I understand the newspaper article I once where the writer speaks of how she was so proud of how independent she became overseas running her own flat but once she returned home her mum still had to take out the trash for her.

Nothing much changes in one year.

The prevalence of faith (especially Christianity) is much stronger here. I know maybe 2 people in my university who semi-regularly go to Church, whereas so many of my friends here are heavily involved in church activities.

Although Singapore touts itself as a multi-cultural nation, there is much less racial mixing than in Toronto. Or at least, with regards to me. I have no close friends who are not Chinese here, but many in Toronto. Whereas in Toronto I start to feel like I should make more friends of other ethnicities when I feel like I'm surrounded by too many (East) Asian faces, in Singapore it doesn't bother me that I have don't go out to court Malay etc friends.

I am willing to spend money in Singapore in a way I'm not in Toronto, because it has already become part of my life here. I refuse to walk 15 minutes to Parkway Parade but am up to walking 30-40min to Eaton Centre...in a snow storm.

I hate the humidity here with a passion. It is the number 1 reason I would migrate (besides the personal reason). The persistent swing between muggy, baking and dripping-sweat-while-standing-still weather makes me extremely grouchy. Also...

My sinus is haywire in Singapore. And when I have sinus I'm always in a really bad mood.

Singapore is much more influenced by the Japanese culture than I realised, especially after returning from Toronto where the only hints of Japanese-ness are the sushi places and erm, that's it? In Singapore there are all kinds of Jap food places (no, sushi is not the only things Japanese eat) from Yoshinoya to Azabu Sabo ice cream, Japanese movie trailers are actually screened on TV Mobile, and an advertisement for a shopping centre (Central) actually utilises Japanese music solely. I would never have developed an interest in Japan if I had grown up in Toronto; of that I'm pretty certain (especially because I don't have a particularly fobby - fresh of the boat - nature).

I randomly began writing this a few days ago while still in Sg. I'm missing so many more realisations (many of them more objective and less personally related than these) but life has been non-stop since reaching Tokyo and I'm so tired at 1am with a Japanese language placement test at 9am and a full day orientation and sososo guilty and sinful because forever you can never get rid of the blood bond I'm always running and I'm having fun (of sorts) now but I don't deserve it and it's all going to come crashing down someday. People like me / talk to me now because they don't know who I am.

Emo, I know. maybe tomorrow I'll forget who I really am and be happy again.

amatsuki @ 2008-09-06T00:42:00

2008-09-05T16:47:22Z

can`t remove the stains from my bag. fucking pissed. bag is fucking ruined. ya irony much. must really be an angry little girl. but seriously i`m so pissed i feel like slamming things and screaming and crying but instead spent the last few minutes breathing deeply. why am i so controlled nowadays. i really am not lying when i say i hate my life. and it`s more than about the bag obviously. so few things ever do go right for me.

eta: just realised it`s my birthday tomorrow. hope everyone forgets. sigh. not ready for the human interaction. really hate people. this is such am emo post i`m getting pissed off again. if i`m lucky i`ll go to sleep and never wake up. (keepdreaming)

actually, it's not just that i want to die. i deserve to die.

Home!

2008-08-27T03:57:51Z

Omg I just looked through my previous LJ entries and realised that I actually never directly mentioned (besides the one entry when I talked about packing for home-coming) that I was coming back to Singapore for 3 weeks before flying off to Japan.

So yes, I'm HOME! As of yesterday (where I crashed out for the rest of the day), till September 16th.

Meet-up, meet-up! :D

P.S. Everything looks the same, everything feels the same, I was so sure Singapore would have changed in this year like how my life did, then I touch down and it's like the past year in Toronto never happened... But the room scent is nostalgic instead of familiar.

China & the Olympics

2008-08-04T03:33:55Z

"Beneath the glitzy veneer, the dollar signs and the open-for-engagement rhetoric, China is still China. It drinks Coke but it spews red bull." - from Rosie Dimano's article

I don't know how it's like in Singapore (I pretty much dropped Sg news once I left the island because I only read physical newspapers), but over here in Toronto (Toronto Star, specifically) there's a lot of coverage of the Beijing Olympics. It seems there's at least one article in the World section everyday, from the restriction of press freedom, the plan/s to reduce smog in the city...as you can guess, most of the reporting is negative. Dimano's article is only one of the many negative ones (recently she also published a positive article about the national pride arising in China thanks to the Olympics), but it stuck in my mind because of the catchy last line, and I decided to share it. I find that line very witty!

I think it was a bad idea to host the Olympics in Beijing. I mean, I wouldn't call China a third world country, but did the IOC seriously think China had the maturity to pull off the Olympics? When Beijing won the bid in 2001, corruption was rampant, freedom of speech was severely restricted, and the government had a very totalitarian big-brother approach to governance. China may have made many grand promises about what it could deliver (total press freedom, anyone?), but you don't choose based on promises, but plans. And plans come from countries with a good track record.

The Beijing Olympics is as bad for China as it is for the Olympics. I feel so embarassed for China everytime I read about its gaffes, its futile plan to improve air quality by pulling half the cars off the road, or of deleting a website on HepA run by a Chinese because it reflected negatively on China & its health issues. It is so determined to make the Olympics flawless, to prove to the world that its age has come when it can sit proudly with the heavyweights of the world, where it is no longer denigrated as a third-world-country (and don't I understand that desire to prove onself), but every step it makes she seems to put its foot in its mouth. The Beijing Olympics has focussed attention on China; but mainly on its flaws.

And so we see China, as Dimano writes, this strange hybrid of capitalism and authoritanism.

I was rather annoyed to see China compared to a budding Singapore in the comments section of her article. Does the commenter even know shit about Singapore? The government in Singapore can also be considered draconian if you'd like to be negative, but that's where the comparison ends. Our government is a lot more organised, non-corrupt, and focussed on sustainable development. Also, one has to take into account that the economic development in China is much, more more rapid than it ever was in Singapore. It's like a bull market, and the bear is going to come one day.

I think Singapore built a strong foundation, but China? I don't know; I think it has a lot of structural defiencies (and I'm not talking buildings) it has to work out, or it's going to have more trouble in the future. Trouble greater than its image come 08/08/08. Soft power? What soft power?

As a final disclaimer, I'd like to just comment that my generally disfavourable view of the Beijing Olympics may have been heavily influenced by the Toronto Star articles I've been reading.

MAKAN JIKAN
+ hilarious article on the trials in the kitchen
+ peanut butter brownies, oyako-don, english-muffin pizzas & more!

The author of the foodblog I got my oyako-don recipe from left a comment! Ahhh! The first time a stranger has left a comment. Milestone moment. (:

P.S. Saw juan3juan3 out of the blue yesterday. I swear he got cuter over the summer. And he's still as friendly and sunshiney as ever. Squees! /feels the silly crush returning!